Fifty Shades Gayer
by The Jester Erebus
Summary: An unapologetic attempt at crack fanfiction by me, this fanfiction has nothing in common with FSoG other than the name. Out of four selected fandoms, only one pairing will be marked Victor of the, um, well, the first annual Gayer Games! Black Butler, Twilight Saga, Harry Potter, and Once Upon a Time are collided together in cracky goodness!


**Originally posted on AO3 by yours truly :D**

 **An unapologetic attempt at crack fanfiction by me, this fanfiction has nothing in common with FSoG other than the name. I thought it would be pretty funny. Also, I should say that I own absolutely nothing out of here, other than maybe a possible OC later on... Out of four selected fandoms, only one pairing will be marked Victor of the, um, well, the first annual Gayer Games! The Gayer Games chooses Tributes from this fanfic author's four favorite fandoms (only four, just because she's kind of lazy) and then chooses the pairings that will compete for the title of Gayest of Them All. Here we go! Fandoms: Harry Potter, Black Butler, Once Upon a Time, the Twilight Saga BWAHAHAHAHA NO PAIRING IS SAFE Let's begin!**

 **I originally wrote this fanfic, lost it on my old laptop, decided to write it again because I thought it was kind of funny, then wanted to do a YouTube web series kind of cosplaying it, but I don't know really anyone who would be up to cosplaying this with me, so I am posting it on here. Let me know what you guys think!**

/

Harry James Potter, aged eighteen exactly, jumped slightly when he heard a loud hoot next to him. He hadn't quite gotten over the fact that he died, came back to life, and killed What's His Name, and almost lost a very important person in his life.

Who, you might ask? Who is this person who mysteriously came back to life, even though he was brutally murdered and had no chance of surviving what-so-ever? Why, Severus Snape, of course!

Hermione had conveniently found a Bezoar and stuffed it down Snape's throat, negating Nagini's venom as Harry performed the same spell that Snape had saved that prat Malfoy with his sixth year. Needless to say, it worked, and Snape was as dour and snarky as ever.

Harry thought that maybe he'd be a little more grateful for them saving his life, but Snape's hateful glares said otherwise.

Oh! Yes, the owl, I almost forgot about the owl. Harry was a little startled by the owl's hoot, and he grabbed the scarlet piece of mail from it's beak and his eyes widened.

"'Mione, it's from...er," Harry started.

Hermione snatched the letter from Harry and scanned it, her eyes becoming slits. "Oh! Harry, it's from Dumbledore! But-"

"Yeah, he's dead," Harry said, just the red letter opened by itself with a loud snap. "Shit! A Howler!"

"Dear Mr. Potter,

It is my greatest pleasure to invite you to America to play part in an event that will be as big of a success to fanfiction as Fifty Shades of Grey was to lonely housewives all over the world!"

"Huh?" Harry said, as Hermione shrugged.

"I also invite Professor Snape, wink wink, to join you in coming to America to celebrate! Once you get to the mansion you will be staying at, you will meet three other couples, and then it will be decided what will happen from there! Have fun and stay safe!"

The Howler exploded into a million pieces of glitter and shiny confetti.

"Couples? Snape? Mansion? Snape? And is glitter really necessary?" Harry grumbled, shaking his sparkle filled hair and glancing at Hermione, who had a glazed look in her eyes.

"Uh, 'Mione?"

"Oh HARRY!" Hermione hugged him tightly, "this is just like those Muggle reality shows! I'm sure it's like the Bachelor!"

"Snape?"

"Or a Shot at Love!"

"But, Snape?"

"Oh, just go with the flow, Harry! You can't question a fanfiction author's head canon!"

"Fanfiction? What's that?"

Hermione shook her head and poked her nose in a book. "Google it."

"Google?"

/

Meanwhile...

/

"Young master," Sebastian said, wielding a platter with a letter on it. "It seems we are being summoned to America."

Ciel glared sullenly.

"America? Really?"

"Ah, but that's not all, young master. It seems we are being sent through a portal to an Alternative Universe."

"That means-"

"-we will most likely be in a very suggestive scenario in which we will be permitted, ah, rather, scripted, to do most scandalous things."

"Such as?"

Sebastian's eyes narrowed and his lips stretched into a smirk.

"Care me to show you, my Lord?"

Ciel propped his foot up on his desk. "First rub my feet with that lotion I like, and after you give me a full body massage we can talk about this more."

/

"Jacob."

"Edward."

The two very heterosexual (yes, not gay at all, Stephanie Meyer promises you), alpha males stared at each other in confrontation.

And confusion.

"I got...a letter," Edward said, and Jacob snorted.

"Yeah, we're supposed to go to L.A and film something. Maybe I won't be a cradle robber in this show," Jacob said.

"Same here," Edward sighed, ruffling his perfectly gelled hair.

"Should we tell Bella and Nessie?"

"Nessie is two years old and Bella is out hunting. Let's go before Bella catches wind of anything."

The two men raced from the Cullen's house as fast as they could.

/

"Oh!"

"Emma!"

"Whatever you are doing, don't stop!"

Knock knock knock

"Damn, mail's here," Emma said, her voice muffled from being in between Regina's legs. Again.

"Yes, but why did they have to knock on the damn door," Regina grumbled, pulling her skirt down and righting herself.

"Hey, it's addressed to both of us!"

"Really, now," Regina snapped, grabbing the letter from Emma. "The Gayer Games? What the hell is this?"

"I don't know, but it says we'll meet three other couples there," Emma said.

"Oh god, this is one of those Alternate Universe things again, Miss Swan," Regina moaned in displeasure. "Really, how much more of this can I take?"

"Let's just go through the Portal, look, they even taped a magic bean to the inside of the envelope," Emma pointed out. Regina held the bean up and let out a long winded sigh.

"I suppose we'll have to see what all this hubbub is about. But first..."

"More sex?"

"Well, I was thinking dinner, but alright."

/

Harry gulped nervously. He was sitting in the Great Hall with Hermione, who convinced him to come back to Hogwarts, the most unsafe place on earth, to gauge Snape's reaction to the Howler he was sure to receive.

And receive it, he did.

The Howler popped down on Snape's mashed potatoes, and Harry could see him curse as he grabbed at it. Then, it opened.

"Hello, my dear friend," the Howler said in Albus Dumbledore's voice.

Snape's perpetual frown deepened.

"I hope you aren't at Hogwarts right now, because this is a personal matter,"

and Snape's glare became positively glacial.

"But I have discovered the perfect solution to your love problems,"

Snape started shaking, his head raised to glare straight into Harry's direction.

"Oh god, why is he looking at me?" Harry whispered hoarsely, and Hermione shook her head.

"and it's to go on a trip to America with Harry Potter! Enclosed is the directions to the mansion, and please, Apparate tomorrow around noon with him, to this address."

Snape's crooked teeth were bared, now, and Harry felt cold sweat drip down his forehead.

"Tata!"

The Howler exploded in Snape's face in a wonderful firework of glitter and shiny chunks of plastic confetti. The Great Hall was silent for a few good, long moments, before it burst into laughter.

Snape shook his hair, a flurry of glitter fluttering from it. "Potter," he hissed, and Harry's face turned white.

"Hermione...are you sure this is going to be like the Bachelor?"

"From what I surmised," Hermione said calmly, as Snape began to stride purposely towards Harry.

"Um. I'm kind of scared," Harry whispered, and Hermione patted him on the back.

"You'll be fine, Gryffindor, just you see."


End file.
